meguhsaurx818

I don't care what anyone has to say anymore. This is my dicison, and it has nothing to do with anyone but me. I love her and that's all that really matters. Right?

                                             Today I ended something I so badly needed to end. Today  I realized that nothing is ever going to change. I'm always never going to trust you, and I have every reason not too. Your always going to be the one I want to run to, But from today on I will choose not to. Your always going to be my first love, But you won't be my last. After today there will no longer exist of  "us" unless your thinking of our past. Today I finish what You started and this is where we end, and I begin.  I don't regret anything, not a single moment.  I'll remember the good times, and forget about the bad ones. But those memories will be all thats left. This time was our last chance to make this work and it didn't so don't dwell on what it could have been, but what it is now. Nothing. This is the last time, sunsets to sunrise. This is my Goodbye.

i love the way she makes my world spin with a single three word sentance, and the way we are somewhat attached. I love the way she can seem to always make me smile. Truth is I love her.

            All I remember is the wire around my neck and me squeezing it tighter, the dark starting to take over and the screaming in my head telling me to stop. The warmth rushing to my cheeks and that last text running through my head over and over. Or the look in his eyes as i whimppered to let go. A mouth full of food and feeling the panic in my face. My reflection in what now seemed like his black eyes. I just ran out. My mother who blames me for everything thats out of my reach, like the way the family is now falling apart, but yet i never really felt like i was ever apart of it at all.  She turns away as if nothing is happening as if she doesnt hear me screaming out her name, but yet she never not even once answered. We won't even talk about it, the disgust and the guilt seems to be written across her face. While I'm  numb, not a nerve or feeling seems to appear.  I forgot the feeling of it all, i know the position of his hands and the tears that burned my face, and the look i gave him wishing he would just die. I remember the shaking that seemed to rush through my body and the bipolar crying in the parking lot, my screams for help but yet no one answered.  I remember the trashed room I came home to. My only get away was now the distruction of a psycho father. My Father. But yet he didn't even care. I could feel the cold drift off of his body, the aggression in his face. I broke, I was done. I was done acting like it wouldn't happen again or as it never really happened at all.  I was tired of disappearing to somewhere else in the darkness of my eye lids. I was tired of being the fake person who kept the smile on her face to satisfy everyone around her as she hid from the world. I found out alot of things last night. I found the people i know would never leave me. And the people i should have known better not to let in at all. I have made many mistakes but  Brittany was never one of them. She may not be here for me now but when she was it ment the world to me, and i may never get over her, because she made me so much stronger. Last night proved it, i could have held that wire just a little longer and my mother and psycho father would have found me lying in the bed i once made this morning. I had a letter for them to find. And in it i wrote my last words. I look at it now and see that i forgot one thing. Goodbye.

You stop to take a look, to find the things you once thought would always be there, have seemed to disappear. The bridges you once walked over, have seemed to have crumbled down and the walls you once distoryed have seemed to rebuild themselve into something much larger. The people you once knew have turned into stranger who no longer know how to speak, and you have found you are alone. Alone is something you have never really known, sense birth you have never spent a waking moment by yourself, always being codependent on the ones around you, and now that you find yourself alone, you are scared, scared of the unknown fact that this is how it will always be. You and the four walls that now surround you. What do you do now? You light a match and say goodbye.

I've decided that worst part is knowing that this time if i make a mistake I'll never get to take it back, but i know that there isn't a mistake to make, unless your not telling me something. But i know you have already said everything i need to hear. But after all this time, I still dont know what kept me from walking away a long time ago. What made me take a second look over and over again. I guess this is goodbye, forever and always i wish this could have been true. 

       "I said I'd never forget your face
vaulted away inside my head
and memories never seem to fade
you were the best part of my life:my last regret

Now I've walked this line a thousand times before
it hurts too much to bear
FOR YOU
I'd tear out my own heart
and write our names together

Your love is the barrel of a gun
so tell me am I on the right end
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don't let this memory fade away

And in the end we're turning on and off again
there's a look in your eye
And it's screaming goodbye
I'd hate to watch you cry

Your love is the barrel of a gun
so tell me am I on the right end
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don't let this memory fade away

there's a look in your eye and its screaming goodbye
now it tears me apart just to look at the sky
And id hate to watch you cry
I'D HATE TO WATCH YOU CRY

Your love is the barrel of a gun
so tell me am I on the right end
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don't let this memory fade away ."

I close my eyes, to find I am alone. Taking in breathes that always feel like they may be my last. Wiping away tears that feel as if they are burning away at my skin. I ly in this bed feeling as if I may spend the rest of my days alone. Not knowing whether to turn over in this bed and fall asleep to the rythem of my heart beats or look past the ceiling into the darkness in which I have come so acustom to. I remember the days in which I was never laying in this bed alone, there was always someone here to take away these thoughts that now flood my mind. As if that thought is the only way out. I begin to not be able to keep my eyes open, my heart beats begin to make its own lullaby in which it lays my broken heart to sleep every night. The Lullaby Begins, Sweet Dreams and Goodnight...

i feel as if apart of me is lost, the part of me that didn't care about anything. That tough girl that I once was. What ever happened to her, because I want her back. I never use to cry over people, once we broke up i'd move on to the next disaster. Why is it that as hard as i try i can't get pass this one. I sit here and all i can think about is either grabbing those scissors and becoming that girl i once was, or lighting up that ciggerette just to get my mind off of the problem that seems to be carved into my skin. I need to just let go, but as hard as i try, those scissors are never sharp enough to cut through these strings. why is it that I can't let go of the past only because I want it to so badly to be my future, so badly just to not be alone. Why is it that it is so easy for her to just walk away and never look back, to just let the wind take away what is left of the bridge we once built together. I don't understand why i am the only one feeling this pain that seems to flood my body with in seconds, as i lay in this bed where she once layed, i feel an emptiness that never seems to go away.

why is it so hard to just look right past you,
to not wonder what your thinking or if somethings wrong,
why is it so hard to just cut every single thread,
to just cut you right out of my life,
why is it  so damn fucking hard.

           I think the part that scares me the most is that I don't hate her, I'm not even mad at her. I'm mad at myself for letting her hurt me, not once but more than twice. Again and again. Even when She sat there and rubbed it all in my face, I was mad that I let it all bother me. That I didn't walk away when I could have instead of letting her ripe all these healed scars open again. That I cared when I shouldn't have even given her five seconds of sympathy at all. That I let that match burn out instead of burning that bridge to the ground. I was mad that I actually wanted to believe that every time She said," I love you"  that I believed her. That I would still let her back in my life. I think what kills me the worst is that I know I'd let her in again a million times over and that I'd take her back even when She lyed to my face. But I think out of all her lies,"I love you" was my favorite.

I keep typing these thoughts and problems I have just to hit the backspace button and watch them all disappear. I can't find the words to explain how hard this is for me, or to explain the pain I am suffering. Or these peices of myself that I can't seem to find.